NHS Update & Feeling Worthless

Yesterday I saw on Facebook that an old school friend's fiancee committed suicide and was successful. It gave me a mixture of emotions and was certainly very triggering due to the fact I wasn't expecting something of that nature to pop up on my feed. 

The way he wrote about her and how she seemed to touch so many people's lives in such a positive way made me think about how people thought of me and wonder what they would say about me if I had been successful in January. Would that many people care if I was dead? Would they have nice things to say about me? It made me deeply sad that she felt she had no other option but to end her pain in that way, and I could identify with those feelings but I can't identify with people thinking I am a good person. 

Self worth is something I have always struggled with, and I find it pretty much impossibly to accept even a small compliment. When I was in crisis in January and took those pills, I did so partly because I felt no one would care if I was dead at all. No one would miss me in the slightest. I wonder if she felt the same and had no idea how much people cared.

My lack of self worth has been reinforced since the terrible NHS appointment and also with the lack of support from my parents and some friends. My parents have enough money to pay for private care, but instead I am having to spend my savings. Instead they have decided to treat my dad to a new watch for his birthday and go on multiple holidays. They don't seem to have any empathy, compassion or care for what I am going through. This isn't new as our relationship has always been pretty awful with abuse, but I would have thought after seeing me hooked up to a heart monitor after taking an over dose they would see things from a different perspective. After the NHS appointment I have been in a period of bad depression and I've had comments from my dad such as 'I don't need the angst' and 'everyone feels bad sometimes' highlighting that he really doesn't understand or empathise that depressive episodes are much more complex than that.

I am unsure as to why it has to get to a point of that extreme for people to understand that I am really suffering.

An update on the NHS situation - I have made a formal complaint and am waiting for a response which I will of course put on here. I am also going to ring my private doctor to get an appointment.

My Terrible Experience with the NHS

This time of year is my absolute favourite, yet it is also the last couple of months of the year that is the hardest for me. For the past two months I have felt myself spiralling out of control again and not being able to cope. I am absolutely terrified I will overdose again (I don't tend to plan it, its always impulsive during a crisis) and I was determined that after all my hard work this year I would not be in that position again. Unfortunately I am not able to get PMI via work until January so against my better judgement I made an appointment with my GP to get a referral to the NHS.

My previous experience with the NHS has been awful. The psychiatrist I saw didn't listen to me and wrote things completely wrong in my report, the counselling I had prior to that was also below par and just left me feeling worse. The only good has been good was during my over dose in January when I was in hospital but the after care was not. Having had private care through my old company, the quality is at opposite of the spectrum. I now know what good care is and also the standard of what everyone deserves. That is why I didn't want to go back to the NHS but I had no other choice.

I am lucky that my GP is very understanding and has done everything to support me. I can't fault him at all. He gave me an urgent referral to see an NHS psychiatrist which can only be done in my catchment area, as he could see I was not coping and agreed that I need specialist counciling to learn coping mechanisms for my BPD (I only just started this with my private at beginning of the year after my over dose and subsequent diagnosis of BPD) as well as to be prescribed my medication which I was also on (lamotrogine, zoplicone, diazepam).

I got a first letter through from the team letting me know that I should expect a call within 10 days of the letter. No time, name or any other information. I have a full time job so this obviously worried me as there would be plenty of times I would not be able to answer the phone. I heard nothing for 7 days then received a second letter in the post with details of an appointment with a psychatirst for the next day at 12pm. Again, there is no way I would have been able to make this and no one had phoned to arrange it. I was able to rearrange by phoning up the next day, and the woman on the phone was also surprised I heard nothing.

I took the day off work as I knew it would be a tough day, and although I had low expectations for the meeting, I really wanted it to go well and at least get my medication and counciling out of it. 

Firstly, I ended up seeing the same person. Unfortunately the session was ten times worse than the first and I left in bits. I have subsequently fallen into a a deep depression and had many anxiety attacks and crisis moments in the following days since the meeting.

What happened in the meeting:

• He didn't read any of my notes previous to the meeting, including his own first report (which was useless) the detailed reports from my private psychiatrist (who is amazing) or hospital reports or from my GP
• He answered a personal phone call in the middle of my session, which made me feel like he didn't take me seriously and was also incredibly rude.
• He told me to "learn to get better in my environment" and refused to give me any counselling sessions. Even though my GP and private health care have said I need this treatment and I have expressed I do not have sufficient coping mechanisms, he dismissed me.
• He dismissed my diagnosis of BPD entirely, even though out of depression anxiety and BPD, it is the illness that affects me the most, permeating every aspect of my life on a daily basis.
• He refused me any medication until I begged for the lamotrogine which stabilises my mood. He was very condescending and said that it wasn't the medication that worked previously it was the counselling - so why refuse me more sessions then? 
• I had to explain my schemas to him which affect my every day life - in particular abandonment, subjugation and mistrust/abuse. This was again dismissed and he asked me "well what trauma have you actually had in your life?" - If he had read my notes and also listened to me in that session he would know that I have been through significant mental and physical abuse in the past.
• In regards to my sleep - I have been unable to get to sleep and stay asleep for over a year. I have been given herbal tablets on prescription as well as zopiclone to take every so often to get proper sleep. I also practice sleep hygiene religiously. He would not prescribe what my private doctor would, instead telling me to "eat onions and mature cheese before bed" and that "birds learn to sleep at night, so will you."  
• Finally and the most significant to me is that he completely dismissed my experience and feelings. Just because I was not sitting there in a crying state does not mean that I do not need help. I am lucky that through private care and research I have educated myself on my illnesses and know what type of care I need and when to ask for it.

Overall, the experience was horrific and I feel so sorry for people who have no other option but to have to go through the NHS. There were many points during the meeting where I genuinely wanted to get up and leave, telling him to rip up his redundant notes. I am now going to have to find the money to go back to private care while I wait for PMI as I cannot be left like this.

This occurred on Friday and since then I have self harmed a lot more (I have only since done that once since my over dose) I have been severely depressed and over all a lot worse than I was before the meeting. I haven't been able to sleep, waking up in absolute panics and I feel completely isolated and dismissed. 

I feel such despair and like so much of my hard work has been for nothing.

Asking For Help

Something I am truly terrible at is asking for help. In terms of my mental health, I tend to bottle things up for weeks pretending everything is fine, even convincing myself that I am fine and ignoring all the warning signs that something is wrong, until I eventually snap and have some sort of episode (normally cutting, over dosing, splitting or similar).

For the past few weeks I have been very impulsive, which is a core trait of BPD that gets exacerbated when I am going through a bad patch. I've been spending money I shouldn't on multiple shopping sprees, binge drinking a lot, smoking alot, packing my social life to the brim which is exhausting in itself and having no down time as well as getting involved with/speaking to boys who are completely wrong and triggering for me. I tend to do this to silence the voices in my head, which tell me I have no self worth, to harm myself and suicidal thoughts too. Obviously this is a vicious cycle, and all of this behaviour ends up perpetuating and exacerbating everything!

I've ended up totally burnt out and coupled with being unable to sleep more than a few hours a night, I am at the point where I am no longer able to cope. I've been really good at doing my exercises and self care to stop self harming (by this point I would have been actively harming a few times a day) so in that way I have made progress. But I'm also getting flash backs to what happened in January and this time last year when things started to go down hill. I have a lot of painful memories of last year and conflicting emotions which I am trying to suppress - mainly because a year ago I was falling in love while trying to battle my anxiety, depression and undiagnosed BPD (which of course was massively triggered by a new relationship!)

I no longer have PMI due to switching jobs, and running out of sessions so even though I think the NHS is terrible with MH care I took myself to see my GP. My doctor has been amazing - he is so understanding, supportive and always helps me as much as he can. Unfortunately the same can't be said for the seriously under resourced services available. At the point you make a doctor's appointment, it signifies that you are close to breaking. So being told that there is a waiting list that lasts months, I can't get the prescription of medications I need and I can't get treatment outside of my tiny catchment area due to NHS rules is very frustrating (considering I work in London 5 days a week I need treatment that is accessible).

The outcome I have is an urgent referral to see an NHS psychiatrist to get my prescriptions, which I'm not holding out any hope for as last time I saw them a few years ago the report was awful and they didn't even listen to what I said. Then I will be on the waiting list of therapy but in the mean time I am going to have to some how find the money for private treatment as I cannot afford to wait any longer.

Proud

One thing I never ever feel about myself is proud. Throughout my life I have rarely been praised and have suffered from crippling self esteem issues. But today I can truly say that I am proud of myself.

It helps that other people have been lifting me up in that way and praising me but at the end of the day all the progress I have made, all the hard work, all the effort has been all me. Here are the reasons I am proud of myself and will hopefully show me hope when I am feeling negative and black and white thinking:

• I am much better at identifying and managing my emotions
• I have made progress in stabilising my mood and taking the right steps to do so
• I am addressing painful memories but perservering to get better
• I am being open and honest with how I feel to a wider support network
• I am learning to be ok on my own and not depend on others to parent me
• I have taken ownership of my illness and am doing everything I can in my power to get better
• I am practising self soothing techniques and have not self harmed
• I was unhappy in my job so I got a new one which I am very excited about even though I was nervous I would fail 
• I am kind and compassionate and have tried my best to convey that to others when I am feeling hurt and unhappy
• I have been taking my medication properly 
• I took the risk of putting myself out there with my ex

Making that list has actually shocked me at how much I have actually achieved haha! I still have a long way to go but I am trying my best and that is what matters most. 

Ups and Downs

Well, the last couple of weeks have definitely been eventful and taken lots of twists and turns which I never thought would happen. Remember that ex which I still feel is the love of my life? Well after that post I decided to contact him. I told him I still loved him, because really what did I have to lose? I am not ashamed to express how I feel anymore, and also because if you feel an emotion that strong, you have to do everything you can.

I was so surprised when I received a voicemail back as I was not expecting a reply at all. We ended up speaking a week later on the phone and it was a really lovely pleasant conversation. Obviously there were a lot of unresolved issues that we needed to discuss so I suggested we met up the next day to speak in person as I felt that was more appropriate. Again I was really happy and surprised that he agreed. As soon as I saw him, all my upset, anger and hurt just disappeared. The love I had for him was still as strong, and as much as I have tried I still feel the exact same way as I did before. It seemed he felt the same way and we were both so nervous! I decided I didn't want to have the conversation in public because it would be emotional for both of us so we went back to his flat. We spoke for hours, and I mean like 8 hours or so! The most I hoped for out of the conversation was closure and to finally express how I have been feeling which I was unable to do before. It was so much better than I ever hoped and we both took ownership over events that had happened, listened and understood each other and the communication which was always our strong point seemed to be back in that place.

We both agreed we were still in love with each other and that we were willing to give it another go, albeit slowly. I can't tell you how ecstatic I felt and how happy I was to be in his arms again and just feeling so safe again. We made so much progress, openly communicating, loving each other, explaining to him parts of BPD (yes it will take a long time to work on this) being open and honest and working as a team. I really thought we were on the right track, and when I was triggered on Sunday due to not knowing certain information, I realised I was being irrational, I told him that and that I needed time to 'endure the emotion'. I did my exercises, I did some cooking to take my mind off things and I felt better and we spoke after and were both pleased.

I got triggered again on the Monday over something silly, it was a miscommunication but unfortunately it really triggered him and although I gave it time, I called to fix it in the evening he didn't seem to want to. Today we spoke and he decided to end it.

I have such mixed feelings about this. I feel more resilient and strong in myself, and know that I do not need someone to parent me anymore and I am not dependant on another person to fix me - I can and will do that all on my own. I feel disappointed and let down as he said he would be there for me and that hasn't happened especially as it has only been a week and I feel that considering all the progress we made, to end it over that is silly and unjust which my therapist agrees with. I feel he is putting up a wall with me and pushing me away because he is understandably scared, but so am I and I know I am willing to go through the hard times and rebuild what we had as it is so worth it. I still feel that we are meant to be together and hopefully he will work through his own issues.

He did say there were things he needed to deal with and so he was unable to cope, which I definitely understand but at the same time love endures and doesn't give up at the first sign of trouble.The best thing is that we managed to end on an amicable note. We won't be cutting each other out and will be staying in contact. I am hoping that building on a friendship will help us both and maybe from that we can move it to more, but I am not going to pressure that or worry myself with something that may not happen although that would be lovely. We also promised not to sleep, kiss or see anyone else for the time being as I feel that would be too hurtful right now.

Overall I feel a bit in shock, I am saddened and disappointed but I really hope that he gets the help he needs and develops coping mechanisms because I am in love with him and only want the best for him. I am also really proud of myself (when have I ever said that!) with the way I have handled things as it shows what a long way I have come. I feel stronger, and more capable and am looking forward to getting even better.

A Short Period of Happiness

Yesterday was the first day that I felt an emotion I haven't felt in a while - pure happiness. I felt balanced, boosted and more confident with a genuine smile on my face. I'm not saying that when I am in a depressive state that I can't feel happiness but its more fleeting moments rather than being genuinely content and happy.

The feeling didn't last long - it was just for the afternoon and early evening but it felt so nice to feel normal for once. With BPD your mood tends to fluctuate very easily, so one hour you can be super happy while the next you are feeling despair. This is why it can be misdiagnosed as bipolar.

That's all I have to say really. I just wanted to document a positive feeling, rather than only writing about the dark days, so when I look back I will remember there has been certain glimmers of sunshine through the clouds of depression and that in turn will give me hope.

Yet Another Depressive Episode

I thought I was getting better at defining what my feelings were, and how to spot when certain episodes were going to happen. I've been so focused on my new diagnosis of BPD that I seem to have totally forgotten that depression is a huge underlying issue for me. In my previous post I mentioned that I've been crying loads randomly, feeling helpless and hopeless and the last few weeks I have felt really numb. It's funny how I've been feeling like this for a few weeks with it getting progressively worse, and only now can I recognise it for what it is.

I've had the following symptoms:

• continuous low mood and sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• low self esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling irritable
• guilt ridden
• difficult to make decisions
• lack of motivation and concentration
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep

How can I experience all that and yet it still didn't click that I am in a depressive state? My anxiety has definitely made a come back too - feeling agitated and on edge all the time, and a constant feeling of dread in my tummy. I've not taken Diazepam in ages but I think I need to take some now.

It doesn't make me feel better recognising what it is, although I feel it should. I am so so so tired of the same cycle of shit. Why am I feeling so depressed again?? I've been exercising, getting some sunshine on holiday, reading my workbooks, taking my medication properly and yet I am still not coping. It is so beyond frustrating and I just don't know what to do anymore. This is part of the reason I overdosed both times - I was just so done with the same cycle, feeling the same awful way and like there is just no end to it. I'm finding it so hard to keep any hope right now and I just feel like what is the actual point.

DEPRESSION FUCKING SUCKS.

Love

Love is such a funny emotion. Out of all the emotions I find it hardest to control; Love is the one that has a mind of it's own. I suppose this is the same for everyone really, as the heart does have a will of it's own, but for me as a person and also with BPD my heart certainly seems to rule over my mind.

After over 3 months, how can I not be over a 6 month relationship? It seems like such a small affair, but in reality it is the relationship that has ever meant the most to me. The (undiagnosed) BPD side of me definitely made it more intense than usual and I suppose I did lose a little of me in the process, but never have I been so sure that I have found the one for me. I am a hopeless romantic, but I always thought when you know you just know.

I used to believe that you had one true love for your whole life. Now, after a few long term failed relationships I believe that timing and fate is everything, and you love everyone differently. However, I still hold on to the hope that there is that big true love, and honestly I felt like my last relationship was that.

Never has someone been so compassionate, understanding and thoughtful. When he learnt about my depression and anxiety he was amazing. He did everything he could to help me and I felt so so loved and on what we like to call 'our little cloud' (which is totally vom worthy if you weren't in our bubble haha). But then again, how can someone be all those things, ask you to move in, tell you they want to marry you and then at your lowest point completely abandon you? I can't get my head around it.

I don't know if it is my schemas (abandonment is a huge one for me), a lack of closure, my BPD or a mixture of everything, but even after how much he let me down, how he treated me after I was in hospital I just can't get over him. I rationalise his behaviour and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I can't cope with the thought that our love was not true, because it felt so very real at the time. 

I can't help it, I still love him.

3 Months Since Overdosing

Last Wednesday marked exactly 3 months since I overdosed. Thinking about that makes me feel so many emotions I'm not sure how to even describe them. It makes me terrified and upset thinking about the place I was in to do that, happy to see that I am making some form of progress, worried and frustrated that I'm not making more progress than I would like.

Suicidal thoughts is still something I battle with every day but I am not in the place where I would act on them. Luckily, I haven't self harmed either. For the past few weeks I was doing all the things you are supposed to do to get better. I was going out, but way too much and also drinking too much, running more but again doing 10ks each time when I hadn't run in ages so was over doing it there, seeing as many friends as I could and too much at work amongst other things. I ended up feeling burnt out again and was also going through a period of numbness and disassociation. I guess that is what BPD is though and I find it hard to manage the extreme; to find a middle ground. 

This obviously all ended in me having a bit of a break down (yet again) but I think the main part of that is that I am too hard on myself and discount the positives and the progress I have made (yet another downfall of having BPD).

I am currently on holiday in Spain which is a well needed break, but again I am being down on myself. My parents are doing everything they can to make it special as it's been 10 years since I've been on a family holiday and back to the family villa and the weather is also beautiful. I have been going out for lovely dinners, walks on the beach, playing tennis and golf yet I can't stop feeling sad or fully relax. I've had a few crying sessions in private, where I just feel so depressed and desperate and I can't understand why. The bad dreams have also made a come back too. I've been taking my medication regularly and going through my work book so I need to ask my therapist what this means I think.

It has been good though to get away from England and all the crap that is currently going on there. I am not looking forward to coming back and also being on my own for two weeks as my parents are staying in Spain. One of the things I need to learn is enjoying my own company but I find it so hard and it makes me really panicky.

From listening to my podcasts I am thinking about starting my own to maybe run along side this blog? There isn't that much awareness for BPD and I would love to find a community where we can share our experiences.

I wish I had kept up more on updates on a weekly basis but when you feel really shit, the last thing you really want to be doing is anything creative or any effort.

Second Phase

After upset comes anger

But I guess it's better to have fire in your belly

Than tears running down your cheeks

Creative Healing

On my recovery journey, I have found that tapping into my creative side has really helped with the anxiousness and difficult thoughts. When I am playing piano, taking photographs, colouring or blogging, it focuses my mind away from the bad, and just for a while I can just be.

Reading and podcasts have also been amazing. On the first few days after coming out of hospital, I could barely move or concentrate on anything, unable to sleep or distract myself. TV irritated me, music brought too many painful memories and so instead just awful thoughts swirled around my head. The only thing that seemed to marginally help were podcasts. Funny ones, factual ones, stories, autobiographies you name it! They helped to dull the thoughts a little and lull me to a (fitful) sleep. Now, I've been loving them just as much, in particular to research mental health. To recover, I've been trying to arm myself with as many facts as possible and coping mechanisms, to understand BPD better and also to realise I am not alone.

I listened to a great episode of the Penguin podcast, hosted by David Baddiel where Ruby Wax was talking about her new book Frazzled. There are also lots of others out there such as Rethink BPD and Mental Illness Happy Hour.


In terms of reading, I have re-discovered my love for all types of fiction and also autobiographies. The most recent book was Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon, which although is not entirely relevant to me, I can identify to lots of sections and I like that it sheds more of a humours light on mental illness.

I've also discovered a love for poetry. Bloom by Beau Taplin and Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur are much more contemporary than the 'classics' but so many of the poems in these books really spoke to me and my situation. They give me comfort and an outlet for my emotions, which I can find really hard to channel positively. You can find both those authors on Instagram. I've also tried my hand at writing my own poetry. Probably awful, but again it has helped me to articulate how I am feeling which I have always found very difficult, and part of what I am working on during my therapy sessions.

I'm sure I will post some of the things I come up with on here. Just please don't be harsh haha.

The Beginning

This may be the hardest thing I've ever had to write, but I guess the starting point of anything is always the worst part. As I like to blog about other topics, my councillor suggested I start blogging about what is possibly the lowest and hardest point of my life to date. This is going to be a long post, and I'm not sure how much I will be able to stick with the blog in total, but I'm hoping it will be therapeutic and help me sort out my thoughts. Hopefully using this as some sort of online diary can not only help myself by seeing progress (with many ups and downs I'm sure), but also if you stumble across this blog while you are struggling with the terrible desperation, loneliness and vulnerability that mental health brings, I hope it gives you some comfort.

I have dealt with depression and anxiety for over 4 years, although I am sure I have dealt with it at other points in my life before being formally diagnosed. I tend to go through large periods of ups and downs and from the beginning of December 2016 I started another downwards spiral. It got particularly bad the week before my birthday (mid Jan) for a variety of reasons (something I will also go into later) and I was seriously struggling to cope. By the weekend I experienced what I tend to call an 'episode' - a kind of out of body, uncontrollable experience where I have no power over my actions or words, and where I end up feeling extremely scared, frustrated, angry and suicidal. This resulted a few days later with my boyfriend dumping me as it was too much for him to handle and therefore led to a further spiral in my feelings. Not only was I feeling unable to cope, I felt my future and the one light at the end of the tunnel had been ripped away from me. The next night I experienced about 4 panic attacks, no sleep and decided I could not go to work as I was unable to function. As I was laying in bed, my mind was churning with all the self loathing thoughts I normally have, how I was a failure, unlovable, had no one and that ultimately I was going to be 25 in a few days and my life was in no way where I wanted it to be. I was sick of the constant cycle of the illness and I decided that I no longer wanted to live my life.

It's important to note that for the past few months prior I have been receiving private medical care which has been fantastic and I will be doing a later post on. Ultimately though, recovery is a personal experience and something you have to take control of yourself. I let the illness get the better of me, stopped taking my medication and therefore had a stash of anti depressants. I took a whole blister pack of Citalopram in bed and hoped that I would fall asleep and never wake up again. About an hour later my good friend rung me as she knew I had been feeling very low and was worried at my replies to her Whatsapps. As she knew about my overdose a year before she asked if I had done 'anything stupid' and I admitted it but begged her not to tell anyone as I honestly did not want to survive. Of course being the best friend she is, she called an ambulance to save me. My parents were in the house at the time but were not aware of what was happening until I had to tell them the ambulance would be coming.

Although it was what I wanted the sensations of an overdose are scary. In bed I felt nothing - getting up to tell my parents I couldn't feel my limbs, my vision was blurring and I started being heavily sick which was very white and frothy, obviously due to the drugs reacting in my stomach. Once the ambulance arrived they did all the checks and took me to A&E which I decided I wanted to travel to by myself. I was seen pretty quickly and had to answer the same questions over and over again, about why I had done it, how much I had taken etc. Those questions annoy me because they require complex answers which sometimes I don't even know the answer to. I was put on a drip, had multiple blood tests, two ECGs and was on a heart monitor as Citalopram can have lasting damage to your heart. At this point I felt numb and my brain basically shut down for the first time in years. I thought this was a good thing at the time but ultimately it was a way of my body coping with the trauma of what was happening.

I told my councillor what happened who with my permission informed my ex boyfriend. As I was to stay in hospital for observation and to wait for my tests, my parents came after a few hours to keep me company. Of course at this point you have to meet the mental health team, who normally know absolutely nothing and can be quite patronising. Surprisingly the person I spoke to was great and I convinced him that I didn't have the intention to do it again (which I honestly didn't at that point). Much later that evening I was able to come home as my blood tests came back ok and my vitals were also ok. Coming back home was very strange and difficult to put into words. The next few days were even harder, but more detail will be given about surviving an overdose in another post. The silver lining of everything I guess was that I was diagnosed with another condition - borderline personality disorder. I will be speaking about this more too, but it isn't as scary as it sounds and has really helped me to understand why my behaviour is the way it is.

So now I begin my recovery with the hope I will never be in the dark place ever again in my life. The pictures featured in the post were taken as a reminder that I never want to be in that position again.

If you ever feel this way, please please hang on as I can guarantee after two personal over doses, it is not the answer and with the right support and diagnosis you can and will manage and beat the illness.