Yet Another Depressive Episode

I thought I was getting better at defining what my feelings were, and how to spot when certain episodes were going to happen. I've been so focused on my new diagnosis of BPD that I seem to have totally forgotten that depression is a huge underlying issue for me. In my previous post I mentioned that I've been crying loads randomly, feeling helpless and hopeless and the last few weeks I have felt really numb. It's funny how I've been feeling like this for a few weeks with it getting progressively worse, and only now can I recognise it for what it is.

I've had the following symptoms:

• continuous low mood and sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• low self esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling irritable
• guilt ridden
• difficult to make decisions
• lack of motivation and concentration
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep

How can I experience all that and yet it still didn't click that I am in a depressive state? My anxiety has definitely made a come back too - feeling agitated and on edge all the time, and a constant feeling of dread in my tummy. I've not taken Diazepam in ages but I think I need to take some now.

It doesn't make me feel better recognising what it is, although I feel it should. I am so so so tired of the same cycle of shit. Why am I feeling so depressed again?? I've been exercising, getting some sunshine on holiday, reading my workbooks, taking my medication properly and yet I am still not coping. It is so beyond frustrating and I just don't know what to do anymore. This is part of the reason I overdosed both times - I was just so done with the same cycle, feeling the same awful way and like there is just no end to it. I'm finding it so hard to keep any hope right now and I just feel like what is the actual point.

DEPRESSION FUCKING SUCKS.