2018

I can't believe the end of 2018 is here already, and yet this year has also felt very long. 2017 was the worst year of my life, so when the clock turned midnight I was so ready for a fresh start. 2018 has definitely had it's ups and downs but overall I have made so much progress and am completely different to the person I was this time last year.

I rung in the new year with the ex who left me in hospital... he wanted another chance and I can tell you how that ended.. in 2019 I will not be recycling exes anymore!!

I had an amazing summer, have met and made some wonderful new friends, become so much stronger in myself and my beliefs, built my boundaries and confidence, started exercising consistently, went on my first solo trip abroad, advanced in my career and started two new great jobs with fantastic brands, moved back to London, went to some amazing gigs and completed my vocational qualification. 

However, this is also the longest I have ever been single - I've been dating all year, with a few relationships lasting 3 months or so but have had nothing concrete. Mostly I've managed to avoid the fuck boys although they have crept in there, especially towards the end of this year unfortunately and I have gone back to talking to and seeing ex boyfriends which I shouldn't have. I do feel very alone, even though my support network has been so great and reinforced this year I do miss having that connection romantically. The last 3 months have been especially difficult - I lost a close family member at the end of the year in the same week as a terrible break up (more on that later maybe) as well as finding myself sliding back to depression and anxiety. This past week I always find difficult as there is so much emphasis on reflection which for someone who buries their feelings is very hard. I'm writing this after 3 hours sleep as I am really struggling with insomnia again.

To end on a positive, this year I have discovered more of who I am and am happy and confident with what makes me, me. I do have lots of wobbles but I have a strength inside of me which I have never experienced before. I find it so easy to focus on the negatives but writing this down shows me how much I have actually achieved - even if it isn't the path I thought I would take. Here's to 2019 and building on the success of 2018.

My big and little wins of 2018

• Travelled to a foreign country and holidayed there solo for the first time
• Built a sense of self and my confidence
• Didn't take shit from men.... mostly!
• Made the right decisions for me....mostly!
• I didn't crumble and go into crisis each time I got knocked back
• I self harmed only a few times this year
• I am so much stronger and resilient whilst keeping my empathy
• Lots more reading and achieving my reading challenge
• Took more 'me' time and tried new activities - more exhibitions, socialising, crafts, experiences!
• I excelled in my job and worked for two amazing companies after getting the courage to leave a job and industry I hated
• I was a good friend and partner without compromising myself
• Built and stuck to my limits and values
• Looked after and loved my cat
• I found a flat and moved back to London
• Took care of granddad and did everything I possibly could for him
• I loved with my whole heart even when it opened me to being hurt. I didn't let my vulnerability leave me
• I learnt to live with more compassion through meditation and Buddha
• I didn't split
• Exercised more and practised self care

NHS Update & Feeling Worthless

Yesterday I saw on Facebook that an old school friend's fiancee committed suicide and was successful. It gave me a mixture of emotions and was certainly very triggering due to the fact I wasn't expecting something of that nature to pop up on my feed. 

The way he wrote about her and how she seemed to touch so many people's lives in such a positive way made me think about how people thought of me and wonder what they would say about me if I had been successful in January. Would that many people care if I was dead? Would they have nice things to say about me? It made me deeply sad that she felt she had no other option but to end her pain in that way, and I could identify with those feelings but I can't identify with people thinking I am a good person. 

Self worth is something I have always struggled with, and I find it pretty much impossibly to accept even a small compliment. When I was in crisis in January and took those pills, I did so partly because I felt no one would care if I was dead at all. No one would miss me in the slightest. I wonder if she felt the same and had no idea how much people cared.

My lack of self worth has been reinforced since the terrible NHS appointment and also with the lack of support from my parents and some friends. My parents have enough money to pay for private care, but instead I am having to spend my savings. Instead they have decided to treat my dad to a new watch for his birthday and go on multiple holidays. They don't seem to have any empathy, compassion or care for what I am going through. This isn't new as our relationship has always been pretty awful with abuse, but I would have thought after seeing me hooked up to a heart monitor after taking an over dose they would see things from a different perspective. After the NHS appointment I have been in a period of bad depression and I've had comments from my dad such as 'I don't need the angst' and 'everyone feels bad sometimes' highlighting that he really doesn't understand or empathise that depressive episodes are much more complex than that.

I am unsure as to why it has to get to a point of that extreme for people to understand that I am really suffering.

An update on the NHS situation - I have made a formal complaint and am waiting for a response which I will of course put on here. I am also going to ring my private doctor to get an appointment.

My Terrible Experience with the NHS

This time of year is my absolute favourite, yet it is also the last couple of months of the year that is the hardest for me. For the past two months I have felt myself spiralling out of control again and not being able to cope. I am absolutely terrified I will overdose again (I don't tend to plan it, its always impulsive during a crisis) and I was determined that after all my hard work this year I would not be in that position again. Unfortunately I am not able to get PMI via work until January so against my better judgement I made an appointment with my GP to get a referral to the NHS.

My previous experience with the NHS has been awful. The psychiatrist I saw didn't listen to me and wrote things completely wrong in my report, the counselling I had prior to that was also below par and just left me feeling worse. The only good has been good was during my over dose in January when I was in hospital but the after care was not. Having had private care through my old company, the quality is at opposite of the spectrum. I now know what good care is and also the standard of what everyone deserves. That is why I didn't want to go back to the NHS but I had no other choice.

I am lucky that my GP is very understanding and has done everything to support me. I can't fault him at all. He gave me an urgent referral to see an NHS psychiatrist which can only be done in my catchment area, as he could see I was not coping and agreed that I need specialist counciling to learn coping mechanisms for my BPD (I only just started this with my private at beginning of the year after my over dose and subsequent diagnosis of BPD) as well as to be prescribed my medication which I was also on (lamotrogine, zoplicone, diazepam).

I got a first letter through from the team letting me know that I should expect a call within 10 days of the letter. No time, name or any other information. I have a full time job so this obviously worried me as there would be plenty of times I would not be able to answer the phone. I heard nothing for 7 days then received a second letter in the post with details of an appointment with a psychatirst for the next day at 12pm. Again, there is no way I would have been able to make this and no one had phoned to arrange it. I was able to rearrange by phoning up the next day, and the woman on the phone was also surprised I heard nothing.

I took the day off work as I knew it would be a tough day, and although I had low expectations for the meeting, I really wanted it to go well and at least get my medication and counciling out of it. 

Firstly, I ended up seeing the same person. Unfortunately the session was ten times worse than the first and I left in bits. I have subsequently fallen into a a deep depression and had many anxiety attacks and crisis moments in the following days since the meeting.

What happened in the meeting:

• He didn't read any of my notes previous to the meeting, including his own first report (which was useless) the detailed reports from my private psychiatrist (who is amazing) or hospital reports or from my GP
• He answered a personal phone call in the middle of my session, which made me feel like he didn't take me seriously and was also incredibly rude.
• He told me to "learn to get better in my environment" and refused to give me any counselling sessions. Even though my GP and private health care have said I need this treatment and I have expressed I do not have sufficient coping mechanisms, he dismissed me.
• He dismissed my diagnosis of BPD entirely, even though out of depression anxiety and BPD, it is the illness that affects me the most, permeating every aspect of my life on a daily basis.
• He refused me any medication until I begged for the lamotrogine which stabilises my mood. He was very condescending and said that it wasn't the medication that worked previously it was the counselling - so why refuse me more sessions then? 
• I had to explain my schemas to him which affect my every day life - in particular abandonment, subjugation and mistrust/abuse. This was again dismissed and he asked me "well what trauma have you actually had in your life?" - If he had read my notes and also listened to me in that session he would know that I have been through significant mental and physical abuse in the past.
• In regards to my sleep - I have been unable to get to sleep and stay asleep for over a year. I have been given herbal tablets on prescription as well as zopiclone to take every so often to get proper sleep. I also practice sleep hygiene religiously. He would not prescribe what my private doctor would, instead telling me to "eat onions and mature cheese before bed" and that "birds learn to sleep at night, so will you."  
• Finally and the most significant to me is that he completely dismissed my experience and feelings. Just because I was not sitting there in a crying state does not mean that I do not need help. I am lucky that through private care and research I have educated myself on my illnesses and know what type of care I need and when to ask for it.

Overall, the experience was horrific and I feel so sorry for people who have no other option but to have to go through the NHS. There were many points during the meeting where I genuinely wanted to get up and leave, telling him to rip up his redundant notes. I am now going to have to find the money to go back to private care while I wait for PMI as I cannot be left like this.

This occurred on Friday and since then I have self harmed a lot more (I have only since done that once since my over dose) I have been severely depressed and over all a lot worse than I was before the meeting. I haven't been able to sleep, waking up in absolute panics and I feel completely isolated and dismissed. 

I feel such despair and like so much of my hard work has been for nothing.