NHS Update & Feeling Worthless

Yesterday I saw on Facebook that an old school friend's fiancee committed suicide and was successful. It gave me a mixture of emotions and was certainly very triggering due to the fact I wasn't expecting something of that nature to pop up on my feed. 

The way he wrote about her and how she seemed to touch so many people's lives in such a positive way made me think about how people thought of me and wonder what they would say about me if I had been successful in January. Would that many people care if I was dead? Would they have nice things to say about me? It made me deeply sad that she felt she had no other option but to end her pain in that way, and I could identify with those feelings but I can't identify with people thinking I am a good person. 

Self worth is something I have always struggled with, and I find it pretty much impossibly to accept even a small compliment. When I was in crisis in January and took those pills, I did so partly because I felt no one would care if I was dead at all. No one would miss me in the slightest. I wonder if she felt the same and had no idea how much people cared.

My lack of self worth has been reinforced since the terrible NHS appointment and also with the lack of support from my parents and some friends. My parents have enough money to pay for private care, but instead I am having to spend my savings. Instead they have decided to treat my dad to a new watch for his birthday and go on multiple holidays. They don't seem to have any empathy, compassion or care for what I am going through. This isn't new as our relationship has always been pretty awful with abuse, but I would have thought after seeing me hooked up to a heart monitor after taking an over dose they would see things from a different perspective. After the NHS appointment I have been in a period of bad depression and I've had comments from my dad such as 'I don't need the angst' and 'everyone feels bad sometimes' highlighting that he really doesn't understand or empathise that depressive episodes are much more complex than that.

I am unsure as to why it has to get to a point of that extreme for people to understand that I am really suffering.

An update on the NHS situation - I have made a formal complaint and am waiting for a response which I will of course put on here. I am also going to ring my private doctor to get an appointment.