Love

Love is such a funny emotion. Out of all the emotions I find it hardest to control; Love is the one that has a mind of it's own. I suppose this is the same for everyone really, as the heart does have a will of it's own, but for me as a person and also with BPD my heart certainly seems to rule over my mind.

After over 3 months, how can I not be over a 6 month relationship? It seems like such a small affair, but in reality it is the relationship that has ever meant the most to me. The (undiagnosed) BPD side of me definitely made it more intense than usual and I suppose I did lose a little of me in the process, but never have I been so sure that I have found the one for me. I am a hopeless romantic, but I always thought when you know you just know.

I used to believe that you had one true love for your whole life. Now, after a few long term failed relationships I believe that timing and fate is everything, and you love everyone differently. However, I still hold on to the hope that there is that big true love, and honestly I felt like my last relationship was that.

Never has someone been so compassionate, understanding and thoughtful. When he learnt about my depression and anxiety he was amazing. He did everything he could to help me and I felt so so loved and on what we like to call 'our little cloud' (which is totally vom worthy if you weren't in our bubble haha). But then again, how can someone be all those things, ask you to move in, tell you they want to marry you and then at your lowest point completely abandon you? I can't get my head around it.

I don't know if it is my schemas (abandonment is a huge one for me), a lack of closure, my BPD or a mixture of everything, but even after how much he let me down, how he treated me after I was in hospital I just can't get over him. I rationalise his behaviour and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I can't cope with the thought that our love was not true, because it felt so very real at the time. 

I can't help it, I still love him.