Tuesday, 23 May 2017

Ups and Downs

Well, the last couple of weeks have definitely been eventful and taken lots of twists and turns which I never thought would happen. Remember that ex which I still feel is the love of my life? Well after that post I decided to contact him. I told him I still loved him, because really what did I have to lose? I am not ashamed to express how I feel anymore, and also because if you feel an emotion that strong, you have to do everything you can.

I was so surprised when I received a voicemail back as I was not expecting a reply at all. We ended up speaking a week later on the phone and it was a really lovely pleasant conversation. Obviously there were a lot of unresolved issues that we needed to discuss so I suggested we met up the next day to speak in person as I felt that was more appropriate. Again I was really happy and surprised that he agreed. As soon as I saw him, all my upset, anger and hurt just disappeared. The love I had for him was still as strong, and as much as I have tried I still feel the exact same way as I did before. It seemed he felt the same way and we were both so nervous! I decided I didn't want to have the conversation in public because it would be emotional for both of us so we went back to his flat. We spoke for hours, and I mean like 8 hours or so! The most I hoped for out of the conversation was closure and to finally express how I have been feeling which I was unable to do before. It was so much better than I ever hoped and we both took ownership over events that had happened, listened and understood each other and the communication which was always our strong point seemed to be back in that place.

We both agreed we were still in love with each other and that we were willing to give it another go, albeit slowly. I can't tell you how ecstatic I felt and how happy I was to be in his arms again and just feeling so safe again. We made so much progress, openly communicating, loving each other, explaining to him parts of BPD (yes it will take a long time to work on this) being open and honest and working as a team. I really thought we were on the right track, and when I was triggered on Sunday due to not knowing certain information, I realised I was being irrational, I told him that and that I needed time to 'endure the emotion'. I did my exercises, I did some cooking to take my mind off things and I felt better and we spoke after and were both pleased.

I got triggered again on the Monday over something silly, it was a miscommunication but unfortunately it really triggered him and although I gave it time, I called to fix it in the evening he didn't seem to want to. Today we spoke and he decided to end it.

I have such mixed feelings about this. I feel more resilient and strong in myself, and know that I do not need someone to parent me anymore and I am not dependant on another person to fix me - I can and will do that all on my own. I feel disappointed and let down as he said he would be there for me and that hasn't happened especially as it has only been a week and I feel that considering all the progress we made, to end it over that is silly and unjust which my therapist agrees with. I feel he is putting up a wall with me and pushing me away because he is understandably scared, but so am I and I know I am willing to go through the hard times and rebuild what we had as it is so worth it. I still feel that we are meant to be together and hopefully he will work through his own issues.

He did say there were things he needed to deal with and so he was unable to cope, which I definitely understand but at the same time love endures and doesn't give up at the first sign of trouble.The best thing is that we managed to end on an amicable note. We won't be cutting each other out and will be staying in contact. I am hoping that building on a friendship will help us both and maybe from that we can move it to more, but I am not going to pressure that or worry myself with something that may not happen although that would be lovely. We also promised not to sleep, kiss or see anyone else for the time being as I feel that would be too hurtful right now.

Overall I feel a bit in shock, I am saddened and disappointed but I really hope that he gets the help he needs and develops coping mechanisms because I am in love with him and only want the best for him. I am also really proud of myself (when have I ever said that!) with the way I have handled things as it shows what a long way I have come. I feel stronger, and more capable and am looking forward to getting even better.


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