Last Wednesday marked exactly 3 months since I overdosed. Thinking about that makes me feel so many emotions I'm not sure how to even describe them. It makes me terrified and upset thinking about the place I was in to do that, happy to see that I am making some form of progress, worried and frustrated that I'm not making more progress than I would like.
Suicidal thoughts is still something I battle with every day but I am not in the place where I would act on them. Luckily, I haven't self harmed either. For the past few weeks I was doing all the things you are supposed to do to get better. I was going out, but way too much and also drinking too much, running more but again doing 10ks each time when I hadn't run in ages so was over doing it there, seeing as many friends as I could and too much at work amongst other things. I ended up feeling burnt out again and was also going through a period of numbness and disassociation. I guess that is what BPD is though and I find it hard to manage the extreme; to find a middle ground.
This obviously all ended in me having a bit of a break down (yet again) but I think the main part of that is that I am too hard on myself and discount the positives and the progress I have made (yet another downfall of having BPD).
I am currently on holiday in Spain which is a well needed break, but again I am being down on myself. My parents are doing everything they can to make it special as it's been 10 years since I've been on a family holiday and back to the family villa and the weather is also beautiful. I have been going out for lovely dinners, walks on the beach, playing tennis and golf yet I can't stop feeling sad or fully relax. I've had a few crying sessions in private, where I just feel so depressed and desperate and I can't understand why. The bad dreams have also made a come back too. I've been taking my medication regularly and going through my work book so I need to ask my therapist what this means I think.
It has been good though to get away from England and all the crap that is currently going on there. I am not looking forward to coming back and also being on my own for two weeks as my parents are staying in Spain. One of the things I need to learn is enjoying my own company but I find it so hard and it makes me really panicky.
From listening to my podcasts I am thinking about starting my own to maybe run along side this blog? There isn't that much awareness for BPD and I would love to find a community where we can share our experiences.
I wish I had kept up more on updates on a weekly basis but when you feel really shit, the last thing you really want to be doing is anything creative or any effort.
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