Proud

One thing I never ever feel about myself is proud. Throughout my life I have rarely been praised and have suffered from crippling self esteem issues. But today I can truly say that I am proud of myself.

It helps that other people have been lifting me up in that way and praising me but at the end of the day all the progress I have made, all the hard work, all the effort has been all me. Here are the reasons I am proud of myself and will hopefully show me hope when I am feeling negative and black and white thinking:

• I am much better at identifying and managing my emotions
• I have made progress in stabilising my mood and taking the right steps to do so
• I am addressing painful memories but perservering to get better
• I am being open and honest with how I feel to a wider support network
• I am learning to be ok on my own and not depend on others to parent me
• I have taken ownership of my illness and am doing everything I can in my power to get better
• I am practising self soothing techniques and have not self harmed
• I was unhappy in my job so I got a new one which I am very excited about even though I was nervous I would fail 
• I am kind and compassionate and have tried my best to convey that to others when I am feeling hurt and unhappy
• I have been taking my medication properly 
• I took the risk of putting myself out there with my ex

Making that list has actually shocked me at how much I have actually achieved haha! I still have a long way to go but I am trying my best and that is what matters most. 

Ups and Downs

Well, the last couple of weeks have definitely been eventful and taken lots of twists and turns which I never thought would happen. Remember that ex which I still feel is the love of my life? Well after that post I decided to contact him. I told him I still loved him, because really what did I have to lose? I am not ashamed to express how I feel anymore, and also because if you feel an emotion that strong, you have to do everything you can.

I was so surprised when I received a voicemail back as I was not expecting a reply at all. We ended up speaking a week later on the phone and it was a really lovely pleasant conversation. Obviously there were a lot of unresolved issues that we needed to discuss so I suggested we met up the next day to speak in person as I felt that was more appropriate. Again I was really happy and surprised that he agreed. As soon as I saw him, all my upset, anger and hurt just disappeared. The love I had for him was still as strong, and as much as I have tried I still feel the exact same way as I did before. It seemed he felt the same way and we were both so nervous! I decided I didn't want to have the conversation in public because it would be emotional for both of us so we went back to his flat. We spoke for hours, and I mean like 8 hours or so! The most I hoped for out of the conversation was closure and to finally express how I have been feeling which I was unable to do before. It was so much better than I ever hoped and we both took ownership over events that had happened, listened and understood each other and the communication which was always our strong point seemed to be back in that place.

We both agreed we were still in love with each other and that we were willing to give it another go, albeit slowly. I can't tell you how ecstatic I felt and how happy I was to be in his arms again and just feeling so safe again. We made so much progress, openly communicating, loving each other, explaining to him parts of BPD (yes it will take a long time to work on this) being open and honest and working as a team. I really thought we were on the right track, and when I was triggered on Sunday due to not knowing certain information, I realised I was being irrational, I told him that and that I needed time to 'endure the emotion'. I did my exercises, I did some cooking to take my mind off things and I felt better and we spoke after and were both pleased.

I got triggered again on the Monday over something silly, it was a miscommunication but unfortunately it really triggered him and although I gave it time, I called to fix it in the evening he didn't seem to want to. Today we spoke and he decided to end it.

I have such mixed feelings about this. I feel more resilient and strong in myself, and know that I do not need someone to parent me anymore and I am not dependant on another person to fix me - I can and will do that all on my own. I feel disappointed and let down as he said he would be there for me and that hasn't happened especially as it has only been a week and I feel that considering all the progress we made, to end it over that is silly and unjust which my therapist agrees with. I feel he is putting up a wall with me and pushing me away because he is understandably scared, but so am I and I know I am willing to go through the hard times and rebuild what we had as it is so worth it. I still feel that we are meant to be together and hopefully he will work through his own issues.

He did say there were things he needed to deal with and so he was unable to cope, which I definitely understand but at the same time love endures and doesn't give up at the first sign of trouble.The best thing is that we managed to end on an amicable note. We won't be cutting each other out and will be staying in contact. I am hoping that building on a friendship will help us both and maybe from that we can move it to more, but I am not going to pressure that or worry myself with something that may not happen although that would be lovely. We also promised not to sleep, kiss or see anyone else for the time being as I feel that would be too hurtful right now.

Overall I feel a bit in shock, I am saddened and disappointed but I really hope that he gets the help he needs and develops coping mechanisms because I am in love with him and only want the best for him. I am also really proud of myself (when have I ever said that!) with the way I have handled things as it shows what a long way I have come. I feel stronger, and more capable and am looking forward to getting even better.

A Short Period of Happiness

Yesterday was the first day that I felt an emotion I haven't felt in a while - pure happiness. I felt balanced, boosted and more confident with a genuine smile on my face. I'm not saying that when I am in a depressive state that I can't feel happiness but its more fleeting moments rather than being genuinely content and happy.

The feeling didn't last long - it was just for the afternoon and early evening but it felt so nice to feel normal for once. With BPD your mood tends to fluctuate very easily, so one hour you can be super happy while the next you are feeling despair. This is why it can be misdiagnosed as bipolar.

That's all I have to say really. I just wanted to document a positive feeling, rather than only writing about the dark days, so when I look back I will remember there has been certain glimmers of sunshine through the clouds of depression and that in turn will give me hope.

Yet Another Depressive Episode

I thought I was getting better at defining what my feelings were, and how to spot when certain episodes were going to happen. I've been so focused on my new diagnosis of BPD that I seem to have totally forgotten that depression is a huge underlying issue for me. In my previous post I mentioned that I've been crying loads randomly, feeling helpless and hopeless and the last few weeks I have felt really numb. It's funny how I've been feeling like this for a few weeks with it getting progressively worse, and only now can I recognise it for what it is.

I've had the following symptoms:

• continuous low mood and sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• low self esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling irritable
• guilt ridden
• difficult to make decisions
• lack of motivation and concentration
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep

How can I experience all that and yet it still didn't click that I am in a depressive state? My anxiety has definitely made a come back too - feeling agitated and on edge all the time, and a constant feeling of dread in my tummy. I've not taken Diazepam in ages but I think I need to take some now.

It doesn't make me feel better recognising what it is, although I feel it should. I am so so so tired of the same cycle of shit. Why am I feeling so depressed again?? I've been exercising, getting some sunshine on holiday, reading my workbooks, taking my medication properly and yet I am still not coping. It is so beyond frustrating and I just don't know what to do anymore. This is part of the reason I overdosed both times - I was just so done with the same cycle, feeling the same awful way and like there is just no end to it. I'm finding it so hard to keep any hope right now and I just feel like what is the actual point.

DEPRESSION FUCKING SUCKS.

Love

Love is such a funny emotion. Out of all the emotions I find it hardest to control; Love is the one that has a mind of it's own. I suppose this is the same for everyone really, as the heart does have a will of it's own, but for me as a person and also with BPD my heart certainly seems to rule over my mind.

After over 3 months, how can I not be over a 6 month relationship? It seems like such a small affair, but in reality it is the relationship that has ever meant the most to me. The (undiagnosed) BPD side of me definitely made it more intense than usual and I suppose I did lose a little of me in the process, but never have I been so sure that I have found the one for me. I am a hopeless romantic, but I always thought when you know you just know.

I used to believe that you had one true love for your whole life. Now, after a few long term failed relationships I believe that timing and fate is everything, and you love everyone differently. However, I still hold on to the hope that there is that big true love, and honestly I felt like my last relationship was that.

Never has someone been so compassionate, understanding and thoughtful. When he learnt about my depression and anxiety he was amazing. He did everything he could to help me and I felt so so loved and on what we like to call 'our little cloud' (which is totally vom worthy if you weren't in our bubble haha). But then again, how can someone be all those things, ask you to move in, tell you they want to marry you and then at your lowest point completely abandon you? I can't get my head around it.

I don't know if it is my schemas (abandonment is a huge one for me), a lack of closure, my BPD or a mixture of everything, but even after how much he let me down, how he treated me after I was in hospital I just can't get over him. I rationalise his behaviour and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I can't cope with the thought that our love was not true, because it felt so very real at the time. 

I can't help it, I still love him.

3 Months Since Overdosing

Last Wednesday marked exactly 3 months since I overdosed. Thinking about that makes me feel so many emotions I'm not sure how to even describe them. It makes me terrified and upset thinking about the place I was in to do that, happy to see that I am making some form of progress, worried and frustrated that I'm not making more progress than I would like.

Suicidal thoughts is still something I battle with every day but I am not in the place where I would act on them. Luckily, I haven't self harmed either. For the past few weeks I was doing all the things you are supposed to do to get better. I was going out, but way too much and also drinking too much, running more but again doing 10ks each time when I hadn't run in ages so was over doing it there, seeing as many friends as I could and too much at work amongst other things. I ended up feeling burnt out again and was also going through a period of numbness and disassociation. I guess that is what BPD is though and I find it hard to manage the extreme; to find a middle ground. 

This obviously all ended in me having a bit of a break down (yet again) but I think the main part of that is that I am too hard on myself and discount the positives and the progress I have made (yet another downfall of having BPD).

I am currently on holiday in Spain which is a well needed break, but again I am being down on myself. My parents are doing everything they can to make it special as it's been 10 years since I've been on a family holiday and back to the family villa and the weather is also beautiful. I have been going out for lovely dinners, walks on the beach, playing tennis and golf yet I can't stop feeling sad or fully relax. I've had a few crying sessions in private, where I just feel so depressed and desperate and I can't understand why. The bad dreams have also made a come back too. I've been taking my medication regularly and going through my work book so I need to ask my therapist what this means I think.

It has been good though to get away from England and all the crap that is currently going on there. I am not looking forward to coming back and also being on my own for two weeks as my parents are staying in Spain. One of the things I need to learn is enjoying my own company but I find it so hard and it makes me really panicky.

From listening to my podcasts I am thinking about starting my own to maybe run along side this blog? There isn't that much awareness for BPD and I would love to find a community where we can share our experiences.

I wish I had kept up more on updates on a weekly basis but when you feel really shit, the last thing you really want to be doing is anything creative or any effort.