Yet Another Depressive Episode

I thought I was getting better at defining what my feelings were, and how to spot when certain episodes were going to happen. I've been so focused on my new diagnosis of BPD that I seem to have totally forgotten that depression is a huge underlying issue for me. In my previous post I mentioned that I've been crying loads randomly, feeling helpless and hopeless and the last few weeks I have felt really numb. It's funny how I've been feeling like this for a few weeks with it getting progressively worse, and only now can I recognise it for what it is.

I've had the following symptoms:

• continuous low mood and sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• low self esteem
• feeling tearful
• feeling irritable
• guilt ridden
• difficult to make decisions
• lack of motivation and concentration
• lack of energy
• disturbed sleep

How can I experience all that and yet it still didn't click that I am in a depressive state? My anxiety has definitely made a come back too - feeling agitated and on edge all the time, and a constant feeling of dread in my tummy. I've not taken Diazepam in ages but I think I need to take some now.

It doesn't make me feel better recognising what it is, although I feel it should. I am so so so tired of the same cycle of shit. Why am I feeling so depressed again?? I've been exercising, getting some sunshine on holiday, reading my workbooks, taking my medication properly and yet I am still not coping. It is so beyond frustrating and I just don't know what to do anymore. This is part of the reason I overdosed both times - I was just so done with the same cycle, feeling the same awful way and like there is just no end to it. I'm finding it so hard to keep any hope right now and I just feel like what is the actual point.

DEPRESSION FUCKING SUCKS.

Love

Love is such a funny emotion. Out of all the emotions I find it hardest to control; Love is the one that has a mind of it's own. I suppose this is the same for everyone really, as the heart does have a will of it's own, but for me as a person and also with BPD my heart certainly seems to rule over my mind.

After over 3 months, how can I not be over a 6 month relationship? It seems like such a small affair, but in reality it is the relationship that has ever meant the most to me. The (undiagnosed) BPD side of me definitely made it more intense than usual and I suppose I did lose a little of me in the process, but never have I been so sure that I have found the one for me. I am a hopeless romantic, but I always thought when you know you just know.

I used to believe that you had one true love for your whole life. Now, after a few long term failed relationships I believe that timing and fate is everything, and you love everyone differently. However, I still hold on to the hope that there is that big true love, and honestly I felt like my last relationship was that.

Never has someone been so compassionate, understanding and thoughtful. When he learnt about my depression and anxiety he was amazing. He did everything he could to help me and I felt so so loved and on what we like to call 'our little cloud' (which is totally vom worthy if you weren't in our bubble haha). But then again, how can someone be all those things, ask you to move in, tell you they want to marry you and then at your lowest point completely abandon you? I can't get my head around it.

I don't know if it is my schemas (abandonment is a huge one for me), a lack of closure, my BPD or a mixture of everything, but even after how much he let me down, how he treated me after I was in hospital I just can't get over him. I rationalise his behaviour and want to give him the benefit of the doubt, because I can't cope with the thought that our love was not true, because it felt so very real at the time. 

I can't help it, I still love him.

3 Months Since Overdosing

Last Wednesday marked exactly 3 months since I overdosed. Thinking about that makes me feel so many emotions I'm not sure how to even describe them. It makes me terrified and upset thinking about the place I was in to do that, happy to see that I am making some form of progress, worried and frustrated that I'm not making more progress than I would like.

Suicidal thoughts is still something I battle with every day but I am not in the place where I would act on them. Luckily, I haven't self harmed either. For the past few weeks I was doing all the things you are supposed to do to get better. I was going out, but way too much and also drinking too much, running more but again doing 10ks each time when I hadn't run in ages so was over doing it there, seeing as many friends as I could and too much at work amongst other things. I ended up feeling burnt out again and was also going through a period of numbness and disassociation. I guess that is what BPD is though and I find it hard to manage the extreme; to find a middle ground. 

This obviously all ended in me having a bit of a break down (yet again) but I think the main part of that is that I am too hard on myself and discount the positives and the progress I have made (yet another downfall of having BPD).

I am currently on holiday in Spain which is a well needed break, but again I am being down on myself. My parents are doing everything they can to make it special as it's been 10 years since I've been on a family holiday and back to the family villa and the weather is also beautiful. I have been going out for lovely dinners, walks on the beach, playing tennis and golf yet I can't stop feeling sad or fully relax. I've had a few crying sessions in private, where I just feel so depressed and desperate and I can't understand why. The bad dreams have also made a come back too. I've been taking my medication regularly and going through my work book so I need to ask my therapist what this means I think.

It has been good though to get away from England and all the crap that is currently going on there. I am not looking forward to coming back and also being on my own for two weeks as my parents are staying in Spain. One of the things I need to learn is enjoying my own company but I find it so hard and it makes me really panicky.

From listening to my podcasts I am thinking about starting my own to maybe run along side this blog? There isn't that much awareness for BPD and I would love to find a community where we can share our experiences.

I wish I had kept up more on updates on a weekly basis but when you feel really shit, the last thing you really want to be doing is anything creative or any effort.