3 Months Since Overdosing

Last Wednesday marked exactly 3 months since I overdosed. Thinking about that makes me feel so many emotions I'm not sure how to even describe them. It makes me terrified and upset thinking about the place I was in to do that, happy to see that I am making some form of progress, worried and frustrated that I'm not making more progress than I would like.

Suicidal thoughts is still something I battle with every day but I am not in the place where I would act on them. Luckily, I haven't self harmed either. For the past few weeks I was doing all the things you are supposed to do to get better. I was going out, but way too much and also drinking too much, running more but again doing 10ks each time when I hadn't run in ages so was over doing it there, seeing as many friends as I could and too much at work amongst other things. I ended up feeling burnt out again and was also going through a period of numbness and disassociation. I guess that is what BPD is though and I find it hard to manage the extreme; to find a middle ground. 

This obviously all ended in me having a bit of a break down (yet again) but I think the main part of that is that I am too hard on myself and discount the positives and the progress I have made (yet another downfall of having BPD).

I am currently on holiday in Spain which is a well needed break, but again I am being down on myself. My parents are doing everything they can to make it special as it's been 10 years since I've been on a family holiday and back to the family villa and the weather is also beautiful. I have been going out for lovely dinners, walks on the beach, playing tennis and golf yet I can't stop feeling sad or fully relax. I've had a few crying sessions in private, where I just feel so depressed and desperate and I can't understand why. The bad dreams have also made a come back too. I've been taking my medication regularly and going through my work book so I need to ask my therapist what this means I think.

It has been good though to get away from England and all the crap that is currently going on there. I am not looking forward to coming back and also being on my own for two weeks as my parents are staying in Spain. One of the things I need to learn is enjoying my own company but I find it so hard and it makes me really panicky.

From listening to my podcasts I am thinking about starting my own to maybe run along side this blog? There isn't that much awareness for BPD and I would love to find a community where we can share our experiences.

I wish I had kept up more on updates on a weekly basis but when you feel really shit, the last thing you really want to be doing is anything creative or any effort.

Second Phase

After upset comes anger

But I guess it's better to have fire in your belly

Than tears running down your cheeks

Creative Healing

On my recovery journey, I have found that tapping into my creative side has really helped with the anxiousness and difficult thoughts. When I am playing piano, taking photographs, colouring or blogging, it focuses my mind away from the bad, and just for a while I can just be.

Reading and podcasts have also been amazing. On the first few days after coming out of hospital, I could barely move or concentrate on anything, unable to sleep or distract myself. TV irritated me, music brought too many painful memories and so instead just awful thoughts swirled around my head. The only thing that seemed to marginally help were podcasts. Funny ones, factual ones, stories, autobiographies you name it! They helped to dull the thoughts a little and lull me to a (fitful) sleep. Now, I've been loving them just as much, in particular to research mental health. To recover, I've been trying to arm myself with as many facts as possible and coping mechanisms, to understand BPD better and also to realise I am not alone.

I listened to a great episode of the Penguin podcast, hosted by David Baddiel where Ruby Wax was talking about her new book Frazzled. There are also lots of others out there such as Rethink BPD and Mental Illness Happy Hour.


In terms of reading, I have re-discovered my love for all types of fiction and also autobiographies. The most recent book was Mad Girl by Bryony Gordon, which although is not entirely relevant to me, I can identify to lots of sections and I like that it sheds more of a humours light on mental illness.

I've also discovered a love for poetry. Bloom by Beau Taplin and Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur are much more contemporary than the 'classics' but so many of the poems in these books really spoke to me and my situation. They give me comfort and an outlet for my emotions, which I can find really hard to channel positively. You can find both those authors on Instagram. I've also tried my hand at writing my own poetry. Probably awful, but again it has helped me to articulate how I am feeling which I have always found very difficult, and part of what I am working on during my therapy sessions.

I'm sure I will post some of the things I come up with on here. Just please don't be harsh haha.